Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Earth, ashes and song

People who follow my cat's blog will know by now that the cats moved aside to allow me to mark the passing of Kiffer Cat this morning. It is never the best way to start a day to come downstairs to see one of those who lives with you lying dead on the floor. It was quite a shock. Even more of a shock when I realised that he was still breathing. To the very last Kiffer's eyes were wide open and jewel like. But he had already used up many of his nine lives by the time he came to live with us.
So this morning I watched him die slowly, but I think painlessly. A gentle passing. I wanted to take him to my friend Kath who is a vet, but it was too early in the day and too late in his life. At the very last he took a big breath, a small stretch and then left his body and at first it was so hard to believe. Through tears he seemed to still be breathing but it was only hope that made it so and me not wishing to let him go. So soft, but cold.

Talked for a while with Hannah about what to do with him. Should we put him in a pot with a plant, but she said no, he would want to be free. I wondered about taking him up the hill, but then decided that this house, this garden were very much his so I tried to dig a hole for him. The trouble is there is not much topsoil here and an awful lot of rock. Still I dug away and thought of Kiff, independent, bossy, characterful Kiffer who started his life in St Davids where he terrorized the old woman he lived with ( there was something of the deamon about him) and where he was called Tango. 
When he came to us, lifted off the streets and into my car, away from the dogs that had tried to kill him, the cars that had run him over and the lady who was much relieved, he loved the freedom to hunt the lanes for mice and rats, to walk the hill. He was the fiercest tiger when he had a kill. Sometimes, when we didn't do exactly what he wanted when he wanted he would look at you as if in his mind he could turn you mice sized and dangle you from his mouth and teach you manners.
When the hole was as deep as I could make it I went to fetch him. Now there was no doubt that he was dead and cold and stiff. The earth that fell on him was soft. 
Some years ago I had bought a flowering jasmine. I love its sweet scent and delicate white flower. I had meant to plant it but year afer year had left it in the pot and each winter it died back and then came through again rich and green. It seemed fitting that this should now live as a marker to Kiffer's resting place as it also seemed to have nine lives, so I put this on top, and earth and stones and sat for a while with the other cats.



Walking on the airfield with the dogs this morning it seemed as if all the plants were heavy with sorrow and water. Then skylarks lifted into the air and sunshine came through and I stood for a while and watched a dusty blue butterfly.


30 comments:

  1. Oh Jackie, I'm so sorry. Thank goodness he had you and your home for some of his life.

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  2. I read this morning that Kiffer had gone. It is so, so hard to loose a family member because that is what pets are after all. I think he would like the place you made for his final resting place but also his free spirit will still be able to roam on the hill.
    Thinking of you all.
    Lyn
    xxx

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  3. What a gift that he had you there with him, to mid-wife his death.... and Jasmine.

    Deep peace to you.

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  4. The passing of a pet is so hard. They live with us, become so much a part of our lives.
    I am glad that Kiffer went gently and that you were with him.

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  5. Oh, jackie, i am so sorry. It is so hard to lose our dear friends. It was wonderful that you got to be with him as he departed....feeling your love and comfort as he moved on. Sending much love and light to your tender heart. Amy

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  6. A new little star will bright in the dark sky tonight and i will say goodbye to Kiffer the pale, lovely boy, strong and unique.
    Jackie, i know your pain, be sure, you and the ginger family are in my thoughts.

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  7. I'm so sorry you have lost your handsome boy, celebrate the time you had with him and cherish the other darlings.

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  8. Your words here and at the cats' blog are so beautiful and moving. Lucky Kiffer that you rescued him, loved him, and gave him a safe place to roam -- he couldn't have found a better home. Glad you were together at the end so your heart can make peace with his passing. Sending love across the ocean to your mourning clan.

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  9. Rest in peace, beautiful Kiffer cat.

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  10. It sounds like Kiffer had a very good free adventurous cats life and a death that was as quick and kind as they can be. I'm glad he found you and I'm sorry he's died..but if cat's spirits can charge about the universe I'm sure he'll carry on adventuring with you all

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  11. So sorry Jackie, your loss has brought tears to my eyes.

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  12. None can pay Kiffer tribute more eloquently than you. But Geiger and Sporran have posted a link.

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  13. Dear sweet Kiffer. Today my heart has a special place for you, and my head has thoughts for you Jackie. So sad for your loss, but so happy you could be there to share the last moments.

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  14. I am so sorry Jackie! It was good that you could be there with Kiffer - I am sure your presence was a comfort to him, and your being there a comfort to you.

    I feel as if I have lost one of my own, and hope my sorrow eases yours.

    Peace within,
    N

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  15. It seems Kiffer had the best life you could offer him, love and freedom, and nurturing anytime he wanted it, a warm bed and a nice bowl of dinner ready when he came home from his wanders. He's off now, wandering free, but always with you. For people who never say anything, they leave such a hole in our lives, each unique and never-to-be-replaced. I had a beautiful Blue-heeler dog for 13 years, and though she passed away 2 and a half years ago, I still miss her often.

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  16. Thanks to all for kind wishes. Missed my Kiffer boy at feeding cat time this morning, with his corncrake croak and subbtle ( not) insistance). I had forgotten until Maurice reminded me, how he would walk like a dog beside me and then move from foot to foot as I stepped getting so under my feet we would often end up in a bit of a tangle.
    And I know that I shouldn't but I can't help feeling that if I had taken him to the vet a few weeks ago there would hav ebeen time to try and help. But things are as they are. And I still think of that moment of passing and what a strange thing life is. I am so glad he was in the house when he died. That losing a cat and not knowing whee they are is so much more awful. It was a great privelege to be there to see him on his way.

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  17. I shed a tear for you when I read that Kiffer had passed ...It is so sad to loose a family member ...but I am happy for you, that his passing was at home, you could be with him and you could mark him in such a perfect way. My special cat died in my arms nearly 4 years ago and although we have so many, I still miss her.

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  18. Kiffer had someone who cared where he was.
    Someone to be with him when he passed on.
    Someone to mind that he had gone.
    Great friends to carry on his ginger business now that he can't do it himself.
    Friends all over the world shedding a tear that he's no longer with us. Even the rats will miss him.
    He was a fortunate cat!

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  19. So very sorry.

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  20. Jackie I am so sorry. I have had a cat die in my arms, and it was painful but good to comfort his passing. I am sure Kiffer knew you were there.

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  21. So sad, Jackie. All of us here agree that he was in luck to come into your life and you were in luck to have him. As Valerianna put it so well, it was good that you were there to "midwife" his passing. The flowering jasmine is
    a sweet memorial.
    annie

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  22. We will all miss Kiffer, Jackie, but none more than you, Hannah, Tom and your cat clan. Our fur people teach us much about living and about end of life. Loosing a family member is sad; know we are thinking of you. You have written a lovely tribute to him.

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  23. jackie, so sorry to hear of your loss, heart breaking indeed.

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  24. Kiffer chose to be with you and you chose to be with Kiffer, true to the end.
    What loved one could ask for more ?
    Bless you both xox

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  25. I am so sorry to read this. At least he had a happy and fulfilled life whilst he was with you and died with you beside him to comfort him.. We have lost Snowy and Honey in the last 6 months and they leave such a gap. . .

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  26. Last week I was in England, some days in Somerset and I could look across and see Wales and I thought of you and your cats. While I was gone our old orange cat T.S. Eliot died and my friends kindly allowed me to mourn him in the beautiful lanes and fields of their countryside. Now home, I am planting Poets' Narcissus on his grave and take comfort in his long life and in his closeness to me and to the other cats that are buried here. It is a sad business, this mourning for your cats, and, like yours, my other cats are paying me special attention. I too have a bench by my cats' graves, and I find it a good place to find comfort. Do you think these cats' spirits hover in these places, just for us? For they very certainly do not leave us.

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  27. Hi Libby. I was away from home when my cat Bird died. So I never saw him.
    I know that when Glyn, my neighbour, was really ill all the cats that he had ever lived his life with came to gather round him. Whether this was in his mind or in reality I don't know. I only know that it was a great confort to him and to me.

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  28. Really touching post Jackie. I know how it feels too. Let's get him on the next book.
    Emma xx

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  29. (((HUGS Jackie)))!!

    I think it was destined to be that you found Kiffer just before he passed.

    Our German Shepherd died four years ago come this Labor Day and he also passed with the family around him, me holding his head up as his heart slowly stopped beating.

    And since he was a guard dog as well as a family member, he was buried in the backyard overlooking the gate's entrance.

    My thoughts are with you during this sad time. Now you have one more 'animal angel' to watch over you!

    -Dean

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